"It is easier to address difficult issues with a partner that you believe likes you (emotional bank account).  A positive perspective also helps relationships go smoothly.  Likewise, conflict can be more easily resolved if couples treat each other as well as they would a houseguest."  - Trudi Sackey, in The Marriage Clinic Casebook, edited by Julie Schwartz Gottman

"Darling, I know you are there, and I am so happy."  - A suggested mantra by the Nuns and Monks of Deer Park Monastery

These suggestions are not a substitute for working with your therapist.  For additional help, please schedule a therapy visit.  

Learning resources for couples

The Gottman Institute Relationship Quizzes 
The Gottman Institute Relationship Blog 
Small Things Often Podcast 
The Gottman Institute Marriage Minute emails 
Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight Online couple program
The Gay Couples Institute 
CoupleRecovery.org Blog 
American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists 

Fun ways to learn

• Download a copy of the Sound Relationship House Model or read The Seven Priniciples for Making Marriage Work.  Watch a Hallmark Channel movie and spot Sound Relationship House / Seven Principles behaviors.  Talk about why the behaviors helped the relationship between the characters.  When the characters have a conflict, pay attention to their attempts to repair.  
• Download the free Gottman Card Decks app.  Next:
  • Partners choose several decks that you would be interested in talking about with your partner.  Share with each other which decks you picked, then together decide which one deck you both agree to explore.  Partners must agree with the final selection.  
  • Partners then choose several cards that you would be interested in talking about with your partner.  Share with each other which cards you picked, then together decide which one card you both agree to explore.  Partners must agree with the final selection.  
  • If either partner is uncomfortable or prefers another deck or card, go through the decks or cards until you can select one both of you are willing to talk about.  
  • Use the “Good Speaker - Good Listener” guidelines.  Remember that the goal is sharing and understanding.  Problem solving and persuading are postponed until a partner asks for your advice or point of view.  The Speaker's job is to lead the way, talk about what it is like to be them, and paint a detailed picture of their world, their feelings, and their positive needs.  The Listener's job is to show interest and a strong desire to understand their partner 'as is,' asking lots of clarifying questions and communicating acceptance, desire to understand, wonder, and appreciation.  After 10 minutes, switch roles. 
  • Remember:  The goal is understanding.  Problem solving and persuading are postponed until your partner asks for your advice or point of view.  
• ​Practice mindfulness and positivity together.